Moaning and Groaning

Well this has been a busy few weeks. I finally got a job that I don't hate and doesn't give me near unlimited access to the interweb. The manager is a good guy who's been in retail since he was sixteen. Hell I can even relate to him on certain matters that we inexplicably share. I went out on a date two Saturdays ago and, following my luck, a guy she's liked since before Lee started working with her admitted his feelings to her and they're boyfriend/girlfriend now. Then I had to make up a final from last semester on Saturday.

It started out so good...then turned into a shitty week. Let's start with what I'm most worried about.

This final last weekend has me scared. I already failed one class last semester and I can't fail this one, it would mean having to take summer classes to make up the failed hours and not loose my scholarship. 'Course it's the waiting that kills me. The professor said the exam would be graded by today and it looks like it'll be another day at least. And then I still hafta worry about the other incomplete in Digital Circuits (DC). I might not be so worried if the professor for Advanced Engineering Math (AEM) wasn't so confusing. In emails he's standoffish and cold and then in person he seems so understanding, I'm not sure which is the real person. I guess we'll see once the grade finally comes in.

As far as the girl goes, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that nothing came of it. And I can't blame her for accepting the feelings of a guy she'd been lusting after for so long. I just hate getting left in the dust. It's depressing that the one day of rain I get in my dry spell immediately turns into another drought. Ugh, my own complaining is giving me a headache...maybe that enough bitching for one night...

Just a warning but this might ramble a bit. It's been a while since I've written so I figure it's called for.

I've been really depressed/depressing lately. Thinking on a lot of stuff...It's been one year, seven months since Amy broke up with me...Gods, it's still hard to type that. I've tried asking girls out, hell I even risked some friendships by asking a few of my friends out. I've been questioning myself, everything I do. Why am I in college, why do I even try to get a date, why am I even a guy?
I've pushed everyone so far away, for fear of getting hurt, for fear that I'll be that little boy again, riding his bike home screaming, "I have no friends!" I spend time with my friends these days, hoping to keep the voices out...I hate being alone, alone with the thoughts in my head. But they're still there, and they're even louder than the strange noises my friend makes. They cause me to question, to doubt my every action. But I try to talk to people about it but I can't bring myself to say the words, everytime I trust someone with my deepest thoughts, they betray me. The last friend that did this, Zack, turned out to be a king of lies. I trusted him so much, my thoughts, my secrets...And he threw that trust in my face over some stupid jacket. Even before that, I tortured myself after my family's first move. I just felt alone, the other kids teased me, I turned to books by the third grade, seeking an escape. I had a friend, Thomas, but he betrayed my trust so often and yet I still went back, up until Intermediate school, when he went to the magnet school. Gods even before that, Keith, a childhood from from my old hometown, we would be friends, then not, then friends again, over and over again.
Any real friend I have or have had have faded away, Bradley, Harlen, Preston, they disappeared from my life after I moved. I wished I had kept in contact with them, but who knows where they are now? Julie...I'd like to think we were good friends, and I still try to keep in contact with her but...I wonder if I am as important to her as she is to me...Even now I know what I say is a lie, I barely try to keep in touch...If she's so important why can't I even just call?
My family, the people I should know I can trust but I don't think I can. When I first started going out with Amy my mom was against it..It probably didn't help that I tried to keep it from her but...I thought I knew how she would react and I tried to keep it from her. Before I went with my dad to meet her, my mom was doing everything in her power to make things uncomfortable. I know she was just trying to protect me, but I trusted Amy, couldn't she have trusted my judgement? Back then, my dad was the hero, volunteering to take me to Kentucky to meet Amy, but even he said something unforgivable, because he was blinded by his own stupid religion. He told me as we were refilling his gas tank, "Maybe if you and Amy had a stronger Christian background, y'all yould have a better chance." Even my mom had said that long distance relationships don't usually work. But I loved Amy and she loved me, I knew that we would prove them wrong. I hated them so much for being right.
Well I guess that's all for tonight...

I think I may know why it hurt so much when Amy broke up with me. Out of all the people I've known, she has been the only person I've truely attached to.
Out of all the people in my life, I miss her. Not miss her the most, miss her period.
I've never felt for anyone what I've felt for her. I lived away at college for the past year and a half , only coming home briefly or from vacation from work. Not once have I felt homesick, not once have I missed my brother, nor my father or mother. When I was in my freshman year of high school, my grandfather died, I attended his funeral and burial and not once did I cry, I didn't feel any emotion that I'm sure the rest of my family had. At the time I only attributed to my acceptance of the life cycle and the cycle of reincarnation, but now I'm beginning to wonder.
It's not that I don't care about people but...I don't know. All I know is that I can't stop thinking about her, I tried once and she came back into my life anyways.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this post anymore so I'll just end it here.

This is the girl I love, the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with...I guess she had other plans.

I know it was an online, long-distance relationship, I know I shouldn't have gotten attached but what can I say? I loved her, hell I still do, despite the fact she trampled my heart.

But that's all past...I think. It's be it's been almost one year and six months since she broke up with me and yet, I can't say that I'm over her. Maybe if she hadn't called me last year at Thanksgiving...But I don't know that for sure. And even now, after she left me for another guy, after he broke her heart and dumped her, I feel that there may still be something there. Is it stupid to hope?

I did something stupid a few days ago, she has a myspace.com account and she sometimes writes on the blog there. Well, on a lark, I assume, she put a boyfriend application on there, a copy and paste job most likely but still. I applied. My friend Christy also applied and got the usual, "we're friends and we're both girls so here are my cute remarks," sort of response. Understandably, I haven't gotten a response yet.

For some reason I wish we were together again. I know it's stupid, I know every reason not to be with her, so why do I still feel like this? I want to be that person that makes her smile, no matter what happens. I want to be the one she wakes up next to in the morning. My heart aches every day I stop myself from calling her. I tell myself that I can't call her every night anymore, that I'm just a friend. But I don't know how to stop the ache. I don't know how to keep the tears from falling.

I've been trying to keep up with what's happening as best I can. She's having trouble with a guy named buddy, her friend/boyfriend? I'm not even sure she knows. From what I can tell, she was with him for a while and either dumped him or started seeing another guy or both. Now he wants her to choose whether she wants to be his boyfriend or just his friend. Normally I wouldn't mind. Really, she's been out with other people before and it hasn't bothered me all that much. But this guy...He's messed up, the kind of messed up you need professional help for. I know what anyone who knows what happened between us is saying. "Good, that bitch deserves him." But really she doesn't.

I'm not sure Amy has ever had a good home life. Her mother and father were never married, from what I know it was a high school fling and her mom got pregnant. Her father lives in Florida and she lives with her mother in Kentucky. I think the only person in her family, beyond her immediate family, that she cares about is her grandmother, she's never really mentioned anyone else, at least not in a good light. The main problem in her home life is Terry, her mother's fiance. He does everything he can to keep her down, treats her like a maid, expects er to pay rent and such when it's her mother's home, not his. He's everything I hate about her living there. When we were together, I wanted to take her away from all that, I wanted to see the world with her, show her the real beauty in life...I still do.

She doesn't deserve someone like Buddy, just from looking at his myspace.com page makes me...I don't know. And maybe my opinion isn't entirely unbiased but I don't want her dating him. Hell, I'm worried about her being just friends with him. He seems like the kind of person who'd take all his anger and pain out on someone close to him. I don't want that someone to be Amy, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I really love Amy. And I don't care how I have to do it but I will see her again. I want to remind her why she feel in love with me in the first place. I may make mistakes along the way but I will reach for her again, no matter what fate has to say.

I make my own fate.

Okay so I finally broke down and decided to start blogging on Live Journal. I chose this site specifically simply because Xanga is way too asian for me. This is a step up from blogging on myspace and my friends only have to read my rants and whinings if they want to, it isn't practically read out to them in big letters like on facebook. I'll be going by the pen name Kinch which is the nickname given to me by my friend Jason. But anyways, I'll try not to be too emo because I know others have it worse and blah, blah, bullshit. It's my life and I have a right to bitch about it to no one in particular.

Kinch